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This is my life.

I'm an only child. I grew up in severe poverty.
My father committed suicide when I was 2.
My mother married an abusive alcoholic Vietnam war veteran who beat me about once a week every time he got drunk.
My biological father's parents gained custody of me when I was 7 and I lived with my grandparents for 4 years while they made me eat nothing but fast food and garbage until I gained weight and was picked on and bullied in school. Short fat kid with bad rosacea and body acne. Small deformed dick because of a botched circumcision. Surgical scars on my stomach and back because I was born with a twisted intestine and collapsed lung because my mom smoked and drank while she was pregnant with me.

I haven't done anything with my life. I'm just existing to die because I'm too scared to kill myself. I have CRIPPLING ANXIETY and Complex PTSD with severe depression and Borderline Personality Disorder.

I don't know what to do with myself because my life is pretty much over.
I'm just drinking and getting high and eating myself til I die.

I'm honestly trying to have a heart attack. My birthday was 2 weeks ago and I thought about going to a gun range and putting a bullet in my head 2 days before my 41st birthday so I'd be "40 Forever".

I'm extremely sad and lonely. I don't have any friends or family. I sleep about 15 hours a day and rarely leave my apartment. I don't have a car.
My stomach is always upset. I have either IBS or an IBD like Crohn's or UC. I have an cyst on my tailbone that keeps popping and I'm too scared to go to the doctor.

I don't know what to do with myself. Please help me. Seriously.