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Lol. After the first trauma I’ve been stacking trauma on top of trauma until about a year and a half ago.

when the weird turn pro, they make a Voat account, and order more ether

I read that. Good stuff. I understand that about parents. But even parents who are fucked up still love their kids and want them to do well or be happy that type of thing. This ain’t the case with my dad. He doesn’t like it at all if we do well. Just the opposite. He also minimizes and dismisses good things we do as nothing or stupid. It’s more harmful than it sounds when it’s done consistently and it’s easy to prove if you simply evaluated where me and my mom and sisters are all currently at in our lives

It was a break down of them all my friend

To set a goal. Sounds like a soccer game.

"the horror"

Ok here’s the gist of it. Just remember that I’m not exaggerating when I speak of my my dad he’s just a specific case of crazy. I was not sexually abused at all growing up. My ‘abuse’ was that I was in the third grade and I was a year younger than the other kids cuz of my bday for school enrollment. Anyway even before third grade my home life was like this: my dad couldn’t be bothered to be a father or provide for us, so he made my mom and him both work. He is a talented roofer he could have made as much as he felt he needed for his family but we simply aren’t worth it. He has always treated my mom like shit. But see, he does really emotionally cruel shit that is too crazy to believe. I’ll give you an example and again this is the facts not my opinion of him. One year it was my moms bday. My sister and I were like 8 and 6 give or take a year. So, my dad says to my Mom hey let’s go to Oak Glenn and eat some lunch and you can get those earrings you liked from that little shop up there. So of course my Mom thought that was nice so we got all ready to go and we drove for some hours to get there. My dad then proceeded to walk into an antique shop and spend all of his money on antique tools for himself. Nobody ate lunch we were starving. At no point did he realize how awful he is and go try to return them. This is who he is and he is just a really self loving asshole. I have plenty more examples just like this. And there’s way more deeper shit he does to really smash your mind all up I can prove this! So my pad growing up was always very messy because my mom worked all the time and my dad didn’t give a fuck about us so in the morning before school I had a panic episode every single morning just to find something to wear out of the mountain of dirty clothes piled up in the hallway. Every day was just extremely stressful. School was an escape from the madness. Well when third grade came there was a girl bullying me bossing me around and making me do what she said like a slave or something. In my mind I knew what my gut wanted to do. I didn’t do that because of fear my dad would be mad which means he would beat my butt. So I went home told them about her. He dismissed me. Now I know my life was t in danger but at the time it was a life or death situation. I felt terror extreme dread and terror every morning evening and night for the next time I would have to go to school. I remember screaming crying begging them to please help me tell me how to make her stop tell me anything to help me. Dismissed. That’s where the dissociation happened right there. I had no one to help me I was terrified of this girl. Maybe because I was left to my own thoughts in my head and I needed someone with more years than me to say some fucking words. Like it’s gonna be ok or fuck ANYTHING. Silence. I’m telling you it’s more severe than sexual abuse to get raised with silence. And to top it all off, on the last day of school when everyone was happy, I was sad that I’d have to spend all summer dreading going back. But then she came up to me and told me goodbye, that she is moving over the summer and I’ll never see her again. The result of this was so much joy, quickly overcome by pure dissociation. Stay with me here, but what happened when she told me this was that I instantly just erased the whole thing from my mind. I didn’t feel joy. I just knew the bad was over and I was never thinking about that shit again. What I should have done was to process it all and go through the motions that’s how a normal brain functions and stays normal is the brain feels the emotions in stages and then you can get over stuff. That’s not what I did. And everything seems fine at first and pops up later in life as symptoms of disorders ie drugs use promiscuity outbursts the list goes on

I don’t know. Because I read the descriptions and I can’t pin myself to any of it except borderline is closest but I still don’t fit that either

You’re not beyond forgiveness.

Yeah that's a faulty logic. How can you be fully convinced that this universe is first in existence?

it’s not FROM drugs. It’s from trauma from the third grade. It was a complicated, double trauma that lasted a year. But also my childhood I didn’t know at the time but I was severely emotionally neglected. Like I had food to eat and two parents but they never told me anything nice and never touched me or hugged me or anything. They’re not druggies. It’s the weirdest story ever really I guesss