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Bah. Paul Neri loves you and forgives you.

OH DEAR ME!

That will be dreadful.

Dass thank god you called! I've been looking everywhere for you to, well, cry on your shoulder. Yes it's about my f..king haemorrhoids but with a twist. If there is a god then she hates me. The main problem was subsiding and I was having pain-free days. Supplementing my main meal (vegan - beans/potato/broccoli etc) with licorice and one laxative before bed. So in the morning the dump wasn't sinew snapping painful and cleaned me out for the day. However, dass, man I did something really dumb. I pulped all these passion fruit - half a bowl full - thinking they'd help move things along and bloody heck the damn things had these big black seeds that tore my anus to bits. F..k it was painful. I couldn't walk. It was like having razor blades in my arse. This went on for maybe 5 hours and all I could do was keep eating so the seeds would all get pushed out. But, dass, I had to be careful not to strain too much as then I'd be back to my main problem all over again! Mate, it was a f..king nightmare! So I've been on and off the john for the past five hours and this is the first sustained period of respite I've had and doesn't life look good. Even dangus looks good! Thanks for listening, bro, appreciate it.