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A cowboy is riding through the plains with his Native American guide

After a time, the native dismounts, and puts his ear to the ground. As he stands up, he says,"Buffalo come."

The cowboy says, "How can you tell? Just from listening for their sounds? Or feeling vibrations through the earth?"

The native says,"Ear sticky."

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one's hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

A man and woman are lying in bed at night, and the wife asks the husband, "If I were to die, would you remarry?"
To which the husband replies "I guess so".
Irritated, the wife asks "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
The husband thinks for a minute and says "Probably"
The wife then asks, with gritted teeth, "Would you let her use my golf clubs"
Without a second of hesitation the husband replied "No."
Relieved, but confused, the wife asks "Why not?"
To which the husband responds "She is not left handed"

An old couple dies in a car accident. They go straight to heaven and are given a tour by St. Peter himself.
- Look, there's the villa where you'll live, complete with tennis court and swimming pool. The recreation center is a few streets away and there are also a few golf courses. If you're thirsty or hungry, you can go to one of the pubs and restaurants nearby. Everything is free and you'll feel very happy here.
At which St. Peter smiles and says goodbye. The man turns to his wife and says;
- Really, Alice! If you hadn't harped on about that nasty wholemeal muesli and skimmed milk, we could have lived here for fifteen years!

So I turned on a lamp and I signed to her "Whenever you want to have sex just pull my penis once, when you don't feel like it, pull it 150 times."

Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

He should dicker

- Redd Foxx

A farmer buys a new rooster to replace his old one, and puts him in the chicken coop...

The new rooster walks up arrogantly to the old rooster and says "out of the way old man! These are my hens now. Your time is done." The old rooster rolls his eyes.

"Alright, fine, I get it. I'm old. But I still have some living left to do, and won't give up my hens so easily. There is only room in this coop for one of us. Let's settle it this way: we race around the coop. The winner stays, and the other goes." The young rooster agrees to the challenge.

The old rooster says "but listen, I'm not the young cock I once was. You have to give me a 5 second head start to make it fair." The young rooster agrees to these terms.

When race time comes, the young rooster counts down to start it. "3... 2...1... go!" The old rooster takes off running, giving it his all. After 5 seconds, the new rooster takes off after him. As they round the first turn of the race, the new rooster is already about to catch up to the old one, right on his heels.

The farmer is sitting on his porch watching. He stands up, grabs his shotgun, and shoots the young rooster, leaving only some blood and feathers. He says "DAMN IT! That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calls emergency services and says

"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"

"I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

Can he clear his throat? Just a big 'ol "Hmmmmmm-HMMMMMMMMM"
Let's see if that does anything for his voice.