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Jokes

Community for : 4 years

All the jokes fit to print.

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23
Bad Tooth     (Jokes)
submitted by Kozel to Jokes 1 day ago (+24/-1)
2 comments last comment...
A Sign above a bar says "Complete 3 tasks, win $1 Million"

A man walks up to the bartender and says "Million dollars? I'm in, what do I have to do?"

The bartender days "Task 1, there's a big guy at the end of the bar, he's loud and obnoxious and ruins everyone's enjoyment. I need you to go knock him out. Task 2, there is an alligator out back with an abscesses tooth. I need you to remove the tooth from that alligator. And finally, there's an 80-year-old woman upstairs that hasn't seen any...ehm...male companionship in many years. I need you to address that too. "

The man says "Pour me 3 shots of tequila and I'll get it done". The bartender obliged.

The man walks up to the big guy at the end of the bar, and without warning punches him square in the jaw. He falls backwards out of this stool, flayed out on the floor.

After that, the man walks out the back door to go deal with the alligator, and the door closes behind him. All the bar hears is smashing, grunting, screaming, crashing, all kinds of racket. But eventually, the noise dies down. The man walks back into the bar, bleeding, limping, and with clothes torm to pieces.

He goes to the bartender and says... "Alright, where's the lady with the bad tooth?"
3
Jesus joke     (Jokes)
submitted by Panic to Jokes 5 hours ago (+3/-0)
1 comments last comment...
A redneck driving a Chevy happily hitting black people on the road. One day he picked up Jesus who was hitchhiking. "Oh I can't hit any more black people with my car," the redneck thought "I don't want to look bad for Jesus." Then he saw another black man on the road, "I better pretend to fall asleep and serve my car at the black man so Jesus would think it was an accident." So he swerved his car and closed his eyes and heard a "BAM!" He opened his eyes and said "What happened? Did I hit that black man?" and Jesus replied "No, but I sure hit that Nigger with the car door!"
44
...and that's when the fight began.     (Jokes)
submitted by Sleazy to Jokes 2 weeks ago (+44/-0)
15 comments last comment...
While watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" in bed, I turned to my wife and asked, "Want to have sex?"
Without even glancing my way, she replied, "No."
"Is that your final answer?" I asked.
"Yes," she said firmly.
"Alright," I said, "then I’d like to phone a friend."
And that’s when the fight began.


We went out to a restaurant, and the waiter took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare," I said.
He raised an eyebrow and asked, "Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah," I replied, "she can order for herself."
And that’s when the fight began.


At her high school reunion, my wife couldn’t stop staring at a drunken man at a nearby table.
"Do you know him?" I asked.
"Yes," she sighed. "He’s my old boyfriend. I hear he started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober since."
I said, "Wow! Who knew someone could celebrate that long?"
And that’s when the fight began.


When the lawn mower broke, my wife kept hinting I should fix it, but I always had other priorities.
One day, I came home to find her in the yard, cutting the grass with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched for a moment, then silently went into the house. When I returned, I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you’re done, you might as well sweep the driveway too."
The doctors say I’ll recover, but I’ll always walk with a limp.


My wife sat next to me as I was flipping through channels.
"What’s on TV?" she asked.
"Dust," I replied.
And that’s when the fight began.


One Saturday, I got up early to go fishing, but heavy rain and wind forced me to cancel.
I quietly undressed and slipped back into bed, cuddling up to my wife. "Terrible weather out there," I whispered.
Without turning around, she replied, "Can you believe my idiot husband went out fishing in this?"
And that’s when the fight began.


For our anniversary, my wife hinted she wanted something shiny that could go from 0 to 150 in seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s when the fight began.


When I went to apply for Social Security, I realized I’d forgotten my ID.
The clerk asked me to unbutton my shirt, and when she saw my silver chest hair, she said, "That’s proof enough," and processed my application.
Excitedly, I told my wife the story when I got home.
She said, "You should’ve dropped your pants; they might’ve given you disability too."
And that’s when the fight began.


One morning, my wife stood in front of the mirror, unhappy with her reflection.
"I feel old, fat, and ugly," she said. "I need a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight is perfect."
And that’s when the fight began.


This morning, I rear-ended another car. The driver got out and turned out to be a dwarf.
He glared at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"
So I asked, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
And that’s when the fight began.


One Christmas, I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a gift.
The next year, I didn’t get her anything.
When she asked why, I said, "Well, you haven’t used last year’s gift yet!"
And that’s when the fight began.
22
If you're a teacher and one of your students is late for special ed class      (Jokes)
submitted by big_fat_dangus to Jokes 2 weeks ago (+22/-0)
9 comments last comment...
Is it ok to call them tardy?
-8
A man tries to squeeze into some pants, complaining they’re a tight fit. His friend jokes, “So is my daughter.”     (Jokes)
submitted by YourSJWNightmare to Jokes 1 week ago (+0/-8)
2 comments last comment...
The man puts on the pants and says, “Phil, I know. I already plow your daughter every Tuesday!”
-5
What did @zyklonbeekeeper's friend say after he died from the vax?     (Jokes)
submitted by YourSJWNightmare to Jokes 1 week ago (+2/-7)
2 comments last comment...
Nothing, because he's a dead loser!
0
What did the little girl say when she got onstage at a talent show, only for her father and others to fling shit at her?     (Jokes)
submitted by YourSJWNightmare to Jokes 2 weeks ago (+1/-1)
6 comments last comment...
This is a real shitshow!
-20
A little girl is acting up, so her father unzips his pants and takes her to the back room. When she comes out, she wobbles unsteadily, while her father zips up his pants.     (Jokes)
submitted by YourSJWNightmare to Jokes 2 weeks ago (+2/-22)
17 comments last comment...
She says "I guess now I'm young, dumb, and full of cum."
9
Guy kept calling niggers "lynx" and I finally had to ask him why.     (Jokes)
submitted by Puller_of_Noses to Jokes 3 weeks ago (+10/-1)
4 comments last comment...
He said, "Well they're not missing, are they?"
He meant links like in a chain, not the cats.
8
The Smoking Man     (Jokes)
submitted by Kozel to Jokes 1 month ago (+8/-0)
2 comments last comment...

A man every time he smokes, he always smokes 2 cigarettes at the same time

And then one of his friends asks "why do you always smoke two cigarettes at the same time?"

The man replies: "my brother is in prison, he told me to smoke a cigarette instead of him every time i smoke one for myself"

After some time his friend sees him smoking one cigarette and not two he becomes surprised and asks him "why is it? Has your brother been freed from prison?"

The man replies: "nah man, I myself quit smoking"
39
I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.      (Jokes)
submitted by HonkyMcNiggerSpic to Jokes 1 month ago (+40/-1)
16 comments last comment...
Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!
29
Why do women wear perfume and makeup?     (Jokes)
submitted by puremadness to Jokes 1 month ago (+31/-2)
26 comments last comment...
because they're ugly and they smell bad.


xD
10
A young couple is talking, concerned about their finances     (Jokes)
submitted by Lost_In_The_Thinking to Jokes 1 month ago (+12/-2)
2 comments last comment...
"I don't understand why we're having trouble. Before we were married, you told me you were well off."

"I was, but I didn't know it at the time."
26
What do you call a nigger with two black eyes? original content     (Jokes)
submitted by oyveyo to Jokes 1 month ago (+26/-0)
5 comments last comment...
nigger.
8
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?     (Jokes)
submitted by PoundOfFlesh to Jokes 1 month ago (+9/-1)
6 comments last comment...
Nothing, she's already been told twice.
18
What do you call one white guy surrounded by ten niggers?     (Jokes)
submitted by PoundOfFlesh to Jokes 1 month ago (+18/-0)
13 comments last comment...
Quarterback.

What do you call one white guy surrounded by a hundred niggers?

Warden.
20
Why did the pajeet cross the road?     (Jokes)
submitted by PoundOfFlesh to Jokes 1 month ago (+22/-2)
2 comments last comment...
To take a shit on the other side.
6
How many Ethiopians can you fit in a bathtub?     (Jokes)
submitted by PoundOfFlesh to Jokes 1 month ago (+6/-0)
7 comments last comment...
None. They keep slipping down the drain.
7
Why did @Gowithit cross the road?     (Jokes)
submitted by Anus_Expander to Jokes 1 month ago (+9/-2)
18 comments last comment...
The Dollar Store was having a clearance sale.
2
How do lesbians kiss?     (Jokes)
submitted by PoundOfFlesh to Jokes 1 month ago (+2/-0)
11 comments last comment...
With their lips
13
What Did Jeffery Dahmer Say to Lorena Bobbitt?      (Jokes)
submitted by Scyber to Jokes 1 month ago (+13/-0)
10 comments last comment...
"Are you gonna eat that...?"
-2
So I was going down on my girlfriend when suddenly, I tasted horse semen.     (Jokes)
submitted by Trope to Jokes 1 month ago (+3/-5)
2 comments last comment...
I exclaimed: “Wow, grandma, so this is how you died!”
14
No. 3 -- Roses are red ...     (Jokes)
submitted by AugustineOfHippo2 to Jokes 2 months ago (+14/-0)
1 comments last comment...
Roses are red,

Violets have the blues.

Upgoat is so happy,

To get rid of niggers and jews!
21
Roses are red ...     (Jokes)
submitted by AugustineOfHippo2 to Jokes 2 months ago (+21/-0)
7 comments last comment...
Roses are reddish, violets are blueish

If it wasn't for Jesus, we'd all be Jewish
10
oy vey roses are red     (Jokes)
submitted by HonkyMcNiggerSpic to Jokes 2 months ago (+11/-1)
10 comments last comment...
Roses are red-ish,
Violets are blue-ish,
If you don't have a foreskin,
You're probably Jewish.