A farmer buys a new rooster to replace his old one, and puts him in the chicken coop...
The new rooster walks up arrogantly to the old rooster and says "out of the way old man! These are my hens now. Your time is done." The old rooster rolls his eyes.
"Alright, fine, I get it. I'm old. But I still have some living left to do, and won't give up my hens so easily. There is only room in this coop for one of us. Let's settle it this way: we race around the coop. The winner stays, and the other goes." The young rooster agrees to the challenge.
The old rooster says "but listen, I'm not the young cock I once was. You have to give me a 5 second head start to make it fair." The young rooster agrees to these terms.
When race time comes, the young rooster counts down to start it. "3... 2...1... go!" The old rooster takes off running, giving it his all. After 5 seconds, the new rooster takes off after him. As they round the first turn of the race, the new rooster is already about to catch up to the old one, right on his heels.
The farmer is sitting on his porch watching. He stands up, grabs his shotgun, and shoots the young rooster, leaving only some blood and feathers. He says "DAMN IT! That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"
A man running late for his once in a lifetime dream job interview is frantically trying to find a parking spot in a packed lot...
Time is not on his side, and he starts to panic.
In his last ditch attempt, he turns to the skies, and begs: "God, please, help me out here. I'll do anything... I'll quit smoking. I'll stop drinking. I'll donate money to charity."
As soon as he finishes his plea, the skies open up, and the bright light shines on to an empty parking space.
The man holds up his hand, and goes: "Never mind, I found one".
A Chinese guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender, who is black, and says, "Gimme a jigger, nigger."
The black guy gets upset. "Hey, what the hell is your problem?"
The Chinese guy responds, "I assure you I have no problem, sir."
Black guy says, "Oh yeah, how would you like it if I came to your place of work and spoke racial slurs at you?"
Chinese guy says, "I wouldn't mind at all or take any offense."
Black guy says, "Okay, well let's trade places then and see if you really mean that."
So, the Chinese guy walks behind the bar and pretends to be the bartender. The black guy leaves for a moment then returns and says to the Chinese guy, "Gimme a drink, chink."
The Chinese guy responds, "Sorry, we don't serve niggers."
The plumber assesses the situation and says, "I can fix it today for $800."
The lawyer, surprised, asks, "How long will it take?" The plumber replies, "I'll need about an hour to get a part from the supply house and another hour to do the repair."
The lawyer, smirking, says, "Two hours for $800? That's $400 per hour! I'm a lawyer, and I charge $350 per hour!"
The plumber nods and says, "Yes, I understand. That's why I left my law practice."
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down...
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble"
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!
There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the Blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
