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Uncles.

I know... I'll see myself out.

A man running late for his once in a lifetime dream job interview is frantically trying to find a parking spot in a packed lot...

Time is not on his side, and he starts to panic.

In his last ditch attempt, he turns to the skies, and begs: "God, please, help me out here. I'll do anything... I'll quit smoking. I'll stop drinking. I'll donate money to charity."

As soon as he finishes his plea, the skies open up, and the bright light shines on to an empty parking space.

The man holds up his hand, and goes: "Never mind, I found one".

A lawyer calls a plumber for help...

The plumber assesses the situation and says, "I can fix it today for $800."

The lawyer, surprised, asks, "How long will it take?" The plumber replies, "I'll need about an hour to get a part from the supply house and another hour to do the repair."

The lawyer, smirking, says, "Two hours for $800? That's $400 per hour! I'm a lawyer, and I charge $350 per hour!"

The plumber nods and says, "Yes, I understand. That's why I left my law practice."

The USS Pajeet was set to take sail early Friday morning when it crapsized.

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down...

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble"

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!

There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the Blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

A pizza doesn't scream when you shove it into an oven.

Bonus joke:

Difference between a large pizza and a nigger?

A large pizza feeds a family of four.

He had the wrought stuff.

(I literally dreamed this joke, woke up, and wrote it down)

An elephant and a whore, the fuck you thought it was gonna be?

A man who owned a sausage factory was showing his arrogant asshole son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer and look down his nose at everything.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."

The son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

There are so many ethnicities! Han, Tibetan, Mongols, Manchu, etc.. the correct term is Chinx.